Ape Man

Today I received an e-mail telling me about the opinions of a man so high up in the hierarchy he is not even in the same universe as me.

Bottom line: He would approve the core of my project. But he wanted 40% of the project cut out.

I told myself that this would not affect me. I always knew the decision was going to be made on political grounds. This was entirely predictable.

But I had worked so hard to put that 40% of the project together.

I needed to write out some kind of response. But I felt my ability to care draining away.

The word “No” is normally just a challenge for me to overcome. But I have worked on five different projects over the last month or so. None of them have been completed. None of them have been denied. I wanted progress. I wanted yea or nay.

And now this. Why did he have to go and mix yea and nay?

I got up and began going through the motions of cleaning the work area.

Thinking.

My boss had made me promise that I would get that 40% for him. It was his criteria for letting me try to win approval for the project. I had worked hard to make sure I would meet all his criteria.

I began to whine to anyone who would listen. I did not have the energy for real work.

The ironic thing is that I had not wanted to put that 40% in the project in the first place. I had felt that the criteria that my boss had laid down was just an attempt derail the project without saying no. I don’t think he thought I could make it work.

But I did. And in the process the imposition had become my baby.

I began to walk around. Supposedly I was inspecting things.

I remember how much I had complained when my boss laid down the criteria that caused the extra 40%. I had complained that it was just going to make it more likely that my project would be canceled. I had said that it should be a separate project.

As if I needed more proof.

I stopped walking. I understood what my response needed to be.

I wrote it out and sent it. After it was sent I felt energized and alive. I was more than ready to tackle whatever needed to be done and I felt quite cheerful.

The change in mood may have been because sending the e-mail lifted a load from my shoulders.

Or the change in my mood may have been caused by an e-mail from a senior engineer to his boss. The e-mail expressed his disappointment with the decision that had been made and he lamented that my excellent work putting together the extra 40% was being wasted. It made me feel loved.

But most likely, the change in my mood was caused by the Mountain Dew finally kicking in.

Drugs are wonderful things.

Today I was struggling with anger again. I almost had myself fooled into thinking I was getting over my angry spell.

Today my boss thanked me and told me how easy I made his life. He does this a lot.

Today I ran my boss down in the presence of other people on more then one occasion.

Today my boss let me do what I wanted to do. Granted, there was some routine work that he knew that I would get done. There was an “emergency” that he asked me to look into. And there was few other little things. But for the most part, I decided what I wanted to do with the day. And my boss did not question the decisions I made. Most days are like that for me.

Today I snapped at my boss. His crime was not paying enough attention to me.

Earlier, he had told me that he was going to call a certain person for technical help. I told him that he would not be able to get a hold of that certain person and I explained why. Half an hour later he comes to me and tells me that he was not able to get a hold of that certain person.

After I snapped at my boss he told me he needed to get me the book on the verbal art of self defense. It is his way of mildly rebuking me when ever he feels that I am beating up on him excessively (and he puts up with a lot).

My gracious response was to say that some people are so thick that you need to write out what you are trying to say on a coal shovel and hit them over the head with it.

My boss was trying to call that certain person because he was trying to get a job done that he should have had me do. The reason that he did not give it to me to do is because he thinks he asks too much of me as it is.

He is wrong.

Today I went through four hours of solid questioning without a break. And it took place in the presence of my boss.

You might think that I got into trouble or something. But the truth is more mundane. Some adult who happens to be a licensed engineer woke up to the fact that I was getting a project approved by all the relevant parties without anyone having a basic understanding of what I was doing. So he took it upon himself to find out all the details that nobody else could be bothered to learn.

My boss was listening in because he was one of the people who did not have a basic understanding of what I was doing.

Now I have the highest regard for my boss. He is one of the best bosses that I have ever had. Certainly the best boss that I have ever worked under for any length of time. He has good moral principles, a sincere desire to help those that work under him, and a lot of technical knowledge. But his ability to interact with people is undeveloped.

As a consequence, my boss does not really know how to deal with awkward social situations. And for him, this project has been one long awkward social situation.

He was never really keen on the project and he has always had this nagging fear that I was being too cocky for my own good. But he did not want to flat out say no because he values initiative and my services in general. So at first he tried to derail it by setting criteria that he did not think I could meet. When that did not work he would lob trick questions in my direction that he did not think I had considered. But that, only to meet with the typical know it all Ape Man response.

I felt bad for him, so I offered a number of times to explain what I was doing in painstaking detail. I wanted to ease his fears. I felt that the biggest cause of his concern was that he did not understand what I was trying to do. But his response was always “I don’t have the time.”

Truth be told, I can’t hold that against my boss. Most people cannot stand listing to me talk on any one subject for more than five minutes. So my boss is in good company. But his lack of tolerance kind of inhibits his understanding of my evil plans even though I am always eager to explain them to anyone who will listen.

But the engineer who came down was different. Nobody else in my professional life has interrogated me with half the skill that he did. And while I talked, he diagrammed out what I was saying and took notes. By the time he was done, he had a pretty good idea of what I was trying to do and why.

Even better, my boss had a pretty good understanding as well. All the things he was worrying about were brought out in the open and dealt with.

By the end of the four hours, the engineer had said that he was going to try increase the amount of money that was set aside for the project (because I was worried that the contingency was too low) and my boss was actually sounding supportive of the project instead of negative.

A success all round.

Except for the fact that none of it mattered.

Today I spent a good part of the day thinking about how a I would design a computer game. Like most of the things that I think about, I have a general framework that resides in my mind of how I would design a computer game. I might go for weeks or months with out thinking about the subject at all. But the framework is always there, waiting for me to ponder upon it again. When I do, I generally just tweak the existing framework and make it more complex rather then think up a new idea.

My ideal computer game is one that forces you to mix long term strategic planing, short term tactical action, and a healthy dose of the unknown. It also has to be one that you can play with other people with lots of trading, diplomacy, and overt acts of aggression against your (living) fellow man.

Such a mixture has never been pulled off. The Total War series only manged to put strategic planing together with tactical action and they became popular. X-Com (the original only) managed to combined strategic planing, short term tactical action, and a healthy dose of the unknown in way that has never been equaled since. As a result, it is still played and loved by many even though it came out in 1994 (which is just about prehistory as far as computer games are concerned).

But X-Com could not be played by more then one person by its very design. Besides, there is just not that many people who like to think in this world. And a lot of the people who like to play games that make them think don’t like either the unknown or the tension that good tactical setup brings. So the market for the type of game that I would like to play is very small and hence the game I would like will never be made.

But I still like to think about how it could be made if the world was different.

Today I failed an intelligence test.

Or at least that is how I felt.

It all started when my boss gave me the job of installing a used motor starter in place of some controls that got burned up due to misswiring on the part of the installers.

I was happy to have the job. As a general rule, I enjoy control work.

This job was particularly nice because there was no deadline. I could work on it as I had time between the various disasters that the day brought about. And those were mostly minor things involving a dead animal, a malfunctioning split system, and the general ignorance of the world at large. All Micky Mouse stuff that left me with plenty of time to deal with the motor starter.

And for awhile, everything went according to plan. I figure out how I was going to make everything work. I drilled and I tapped all the holes I needed for mounting the controls without any problems. But when I started removing the things that I did not need, I ran into a problem that stumped me.

This was kind of ironic because I usually figure on the removal as being the easy part. But there was this one three position switch that I just could not figure out how to remove without breaking it. I tired all sorts of things and as each one failed my desire to just break the thing grew exponentially. Before I long, I was ready to start smashing everything involved with a hammer.

But since I am the mature responsible type, I decided to seek help instead.

My boss was kind enough to come out and take a look. But after spending more time then I had spent poking, prodding, and twisting the dang thing he was forced to give up.

Moments later I took the switch off without breaking it.

It was simple once I figured out the trick.

Today I am so tired I can’t even really write. I have a head full of thoughts as usual. But I lack the will and the ability to discipline them even to the limited extent that I normally do.

This lack of sleep has other effects that are even worse then not being to write. Today I spent a good part of the day struggling with anger. I think this is in part due to being tired.

But what bothers me is that is that I have been struggling with anger a lot over the last month or so. Maybe longer, I don’t know.

It always seems to get worse and worse as the week goes on. By Friday I am practically seething. But it always seems to get a lot better by Saturday. This is one way that I know that my anger has a lot to do with lack of sleep.

Still, I have always had problems with being tired by Friday, but I have not always had such issues with being angry. So I think there are other things going on. But figuring out why is not always such an easy thing to do.

A lot of times the things that your angry winds up expressing itself upon have very little to do with the real reasons that you are angry. But that is not always obvious except in retrospect.

And perhaps even the retrospect is heavily tainted. Humans have a tendency to shape their memory to fit a narrative that they would prefer. Sometimes this just means shaping our memory into a narrative that we can understand when the real truth is unknown or incomprehensible.

Unfortunately, I am human.