Waiting for the Summons

Today I climbed up and down so many flights of stairs I lost count. I was thinking that my life has a kind of twisted resemblance to Kafka’s novel “The Trial”. I suppose that the fact that climbing lots of stairs makes me think of “The Trial” just proves that I am irredeemably weird.

And I can not really account for why I made the association in my mind. But I can say that the way I was feeling today made me see my life as dreary and bureaucratic and repetitive. And I felt like the the fact that I knew how everything is going to turn out was not stopping everything from happening excruciatingly slowly.

But my life has a twist that makes it different from the sufferings of poor old Josef K. It sometimes seems to me that I am just sailing through life while other people around me are ones who are doing the real suffering. I just inhabit courtroom and everyone else is on trial.

Just in the last week, one guy was fired, one guy had a heart attack, one guy had his wife died on him unexpectedly (she was in her 30s and had school age children). And those are just the events that everyone notices. It does take into account all the people around me who are struggling me with depression, drugs and alcohol, stress, and various other forms of hopelessness.

I think the reason that “The Trial” has become a classic in spite of being very depressing and unfinished is that it speaks to small part of ourselves that realizes that we were found guilty from the moment we are born. We just spend are lives proving the justice of the verdict in spite of our protestations of innocence. But maybe that thought is just more proof that I am I am irredeemably weird.

At any rate, I am always looking around trying to figure out when my summons is going to come. It does not seem right that I should be exempt.

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