A lie that killed

I knew a man who committed suicide. He had lots of good reasons to hate himself. But I don’t think he killed himself for any of those reasons.

This particular man did a lot to help me out. He always paid me more then I asked. He was one of the prime movers behind getting me a job in the organization where I currently work. And he was instrumental in getting me every promotion that I have gotten since I started.

For me, the best part of this is that he never tried to make me feel grateful and never spent a lot time bragging about what he did for me. He was one of the few people who have ever helped me without trying to make me feel grateful or like I owed him one. And I am not the only one who could say that. He was good at helping people.

But he had a lot of vices. And I do mean a lot. But they were all summed up in the image of perfection that he tried to project. Some people described it as arrogance. But I think he went through life desperately hoping that people would think he was something that he knew he was not. And in his desperate attempts to prove that he was all that, he did a lot of very wrong things and hurt a lot of people. Particularly the women who made the mistake of falling in love with him.

And maybe I should not impute motives to the dead, but I believe that he killed himself because he felt he could no longer maintain the image he was trying to project. He felt that he screwed up and now everyone was going to find out what a real loser he was.

And that is really sad. The image that he tried to project was always a lie that nobody believed anyway. None of the people who really cared for him were fooled by that image (at least, not for long). And the people who hated him, hated him because of all the things that he did to try to maintain that image.

If he had truly become disgusted by all evil things that he had done, I don’t think he would have killed himself. His death only hurt all the people he had wronged even more.

His suicide was one of the things that got me thinking about how even our hatred for ourselves is founded on lies. That guy had a lot of things that he could have truthfully felt bad about. But I really believe that it was the lie he tried to live that caused him to kill himself.

One Response to “A lie that killed”

  1. […] When another man who did his best to help me committed suicide, I thought back to this time. I thought of how much like him I was. The focus of my fears were all centered around my ridiculous self regard. I thought if I was good at everything, I would be happy. […]

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