The Ethereal Voice is a newspaper devoted to keeping you informed on all that goes on in the Ethereal Land. One should think that should be sufficient explanation for any reasonably cognizant individual. But sadly, in this plebian age it seems that all forms of classical learning have been forsaken.

As a consequence, it seems that many individuals have never even heard of the Ethereal Land. Hence, they are unaware of the function that this newspaper plays in the Ethereal Land. Therefore, it behooves us to expound on the nature of the Ethereal Land and function of this newspaper therein.

The Ethereal Land is by definition a nebulous place. Thus, any attempt to give a prosaic description of the area turns into something akin to debating the relative number of angels who are able to make merriment on the head of a pin. If you are not already conscious of this fact, you may want to look into getting a bigger dictionary.

Improving your vocabulary aside, the only way one can truly improve one’s understanding of the Ethereal Land is through personal experience. To wit, this newspaper can do no more to further elucidate the nature of the Ethereal Land than that clarity which might be obtained by the bare nature of the words themselves.

What then, you may justly ask, is the function of this newspaper?

The answer to this pressing question is rather mundane though it does have a touch of the paradoxical about it. You see, though the Ethereal Land is rather indefinite, the creatures that inhabit that land can be very definite. This has been the cause of a number of untimely demises and unhappy disfigurements of a number of unfortunate victims who did not realize that they were in that ill-defined land until they ran into one of the very defined denizens of said place.

It is the unhappy results of such unprepared meetings that have convinced us of the need to publish this newspaper. It is our hope that the faithful readers of this august newspaper will be able gain sufficient intelligences on the nature and characters of the various sentient creatures that inhabit the Ethereal Land to enable them take appropriate action should they ever encounter said creatures. To be forewarned is to be forearmed as they say. (Frankly, though, we recommend that you abandon instruments of war and assume the fetal position should you actually meet one of them.)

If you have comprehended that which we have been expounding on these last few paragraphs you may be wondering how we report on the dangerous constituents of such a vaguely defined land. This very question troubled our collective minds considerably. But if one will pardon a little self-congratulation, we might truthfully say that we came up with a very ingenious solution.

The foundation of our salvific solution lies in the realization that blogging naturally draws those who are not all that connected to the temporal plane in which most of dwell. Through a series of rigorous computations that we need not trouble you with, we have determined that an extraordinarily large percentage of the inhabitants of the Ethereal Land must necessarily have blogs. When you factor in the added variable that determines how definite (and therefore, how hazardous) a creature in Ethereal Land is, one finds that it is a matter of mathematical certainty that all the truly dreadful beings in the Ethereal Land will have their own blogs at one time or another.

To cut a rather pompous and verbose story short, this newspaper subscribes to the blogs of all the major living entities in the Ethereal Land and uses those feeds in much the same way that a more conventional newspaper uses a wire service. We put the relevant content in its appropriate category and we discard those things that we do not believe be relevant to our primary audience.

The Jewel of our newspaper is the three columns found on the sidebar of our paper. These three columns are updated weekly and hold the essay of week, the rant of week, and the poem of the week respectively. Deep and regular study of these columns will lead one to enlightenment.

The Front Page is a collection of articles which we feel would most benefit our august readership. If you should make a regular practice of reading the Front Page you will acquire an education sufficient to most needs.

The Politics Page is devoted to the noises that our ethereal pontificators make about violence and ideologies. Some of this detritus shall also appear on the Front page, but much of what will appear on the Politics page will be of a more arcane nature and thus not suitable to the more prominent environment of the Front Page.

The Money Page’s mandate is the crass world of commerce and its more academic cousin, economics. Again, there will be some cross indexing with the Front Page, but things of a monetary nature will be found only here.

The Knowledge Page consists of all the intellectual topics not covered on the other enumerated pages. It is expected that this will primarily be stories about technology and the sciences. But there may also be a dash of history and philosophy thrown in as well.

The Art Page might be more properly thought of as the design page. The boorish natures of many of the walking hazards that populate the nebulous land in question prevent them from appreciating some of the higher aspects of art. But on occasion you may come across a more mature reflection on spiritual aspects of art.

Food page is about objects that are destined to be consumed. Occasionally, this may even included things that mere mortals can eat.

The Fun page is devoted to all those things that have no other value besides the fact that they amuse our frightening subjects. But one should not be lead astray by the merry title of this often overlooked page. What is amusing to the specters that haunt the ethereal land can be deadly to mere mortals.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *